The Borg go into Business
by tempest10
Summary: Assimilation's not as profitable as they thought, so the Borg start manufacturing household appliances. Includes: neckties, toaster ovens, the Borg (duh), UPS, courtroom drama, a bailiff, and Data's mom (from that episode with Data's mom). Please read & review!


**(A/N: This story was written when the author had just read a ton of Dilbert. Also, the author knows nothing about business or legal stuff. Therefore... Um, I don't know. How about not getting mad at her for inaccuracies? How about leaving a review when you're done?)**

(Scene: On a Borg cube. There is a wooden conference table surrounded by comfortable high-backed chairs which have Borg stuff on them. A bunch of Borg sit in the chairs. The biggest chair is occupied by the Borg Queen.)

Borg Queen (Evilly drinking coffee): Alright, let's get down to business. Three of Fourteen, how's business?

Three of Fourteen (Wearing a tie): Business is bad.

Borg Queen: But we assimilated, like, three planets last week!

Three of Fourteen: Assimilation is expensive. And two of the planets had non-monetary cultures. Therefore, no profit.

Borg Queen: And the third?

Three of Fourteen: The third one was broke. They invested all their money in a hedge fund.

Borg Queen: Okay, we need money. Ideas, anyone?

(One of Borg raises his hand and the Borg Queen points at him. He stands up.)

Borg: Why don't we use some spare cyborg parts and use them to build coffeemakers and stuff? I bet people will buy them.

Borg Queen: Who the heck are you?

(It is revealed that he is the janitor. They kick him out.)

Borg Queen: Nonetheless, that's a good idea. Let's sell some appliances!

/

(Scene: On the _Enterprise_. Picard is watching the news.)

Newscaster (Onscreen): … and today, Borg stock went up three points. In other news, Vulcans are lying when they say they don't lie.

Picard (Bored): Come one, everyone knows that! Isn't there anything good on? (Changes channel)

(He flips through channels, but there is nothing good on. He wanders onto the Bridge.)

Picard: So, anything interesting happen?

Riker: Well, we did meet a UPS spaceship. They beamed aboard a box for Data.

Picard: Oh, cool. Anything else?

Riker: Well, the Borg have started selling appliances.

Picard: That must be why their stock went up!

Riker: Uh, yeah. Tons of people are buying their stuff. In fact-

(Data comes on the Bridge, holding a box.)

Data (Interrupting Riker): Hi!

Picard: Hi Data. What's in the box?

Data: I do not know. I have not opened it yet.

(Everyone waits patiently. Data just stands there holding the box.)

Picard: Well?

Data: Well what?

Everyone: Open the box!

(Data opens the box and takes out a piece of paper. He reads it.)

Data: It is a present from my mother. She says she wanted to send me something (Reading from the letter) "practical, but that I probably wouldn't already have." (He reaches back into the box and pulls out a wrapped present.)

(He starts to unwrap it carefully.)

Riker: Just rip it open!

(Data cautiously unsticks the tape, being careful not to rip the paper.)

Riker (Foaming at the mouth): Just rip it open!

(Troi arrives.)

Troi: I sense frustration!

Riker (Difficultly): No, no one's frustrated at all. Not even a little bit.

Troi: Darn. (She leaves.)

(Data finally unwraps his present. Riker sees it.)

Riker: EEK!

(Troi runs back in.)

Troi: I sensed fear. THAT WAS FEAR, WASN'T IT?

Data: Riker was frightened by a gift my mother sent me.

Troi (Curiously): What did she send you?

Data: This. (Holds up a Borg claw arm. It is unbelievably creepy.)

Troi and Riker: EEK!

Data: I think I will go attach it now. I have always wanted a scary robot arm. (Leaves.)

Troi. What. The. Heck.

Picard: The Borg have gone into the household appliance manufacturing business.

Troi: And that includes claw arms?

Riker: You'd be surprised what you can call an appliance.

LaForge: That's how I put down our death ray when I take inventory!

Picard: …we have a death ray?

LaForge: Uh, I mean toaster oven. Not a death ray.

(Data comes back in, interrupting the discussion. Picard is clearly not buying LaForge's 'toaster oven' story. Data's left arm has been replaced by the Borg claw arm. Everyone is staring.)

Data: What?

Everyone: Nothing, nothing, nothing at all.

(Data shrugs and sits down at his console.)

Riker (Whispering to Troi): That is FREAKY.

Data: I can hear you.

Riker: Sorry. (Whispering to Troi) That is the weirdest thing I ever saw.

Data: My MOTHER got me this claw arm.

Riker: Sorry. (Whispering to Troi) I mean, this is seriously-

Troi: Shut up, Will.

/

(Scene: A week later. People are somewhat used to Data's new arm now. Picard is watching the news again.)

Newscaster (Onscreen): A butter knife made by Borg Tech Inc. has assimilated an entire planet, causing stock to drop nine points. They have been sued for fifty-three billion trillion dollars.

Picard. Wow. I was not expecting that.

Newscaster: In other news, scientists discover why the physics behind most our technology is wrong and our whole civilization shouldn't exist.

(Picard switches off the TV. The door opens and Riker runs in.)

Riker: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Picard: What happened?

Riker: Data's arm went nuts and tried to kill everyone. He ripped it off and Worf stomped it, but I'm still scared.

Troi (Bursting in): I sense fear!

Riker: We know.

Troi: Also, we have to go deliver a court summons to the Borg. It seems they've been accused of having neglectful and unethical business practices.

Picard: What business practices?

Troi: All of their products are assembled by the Borg.

Picard: But they are the Borg.

Troi: It's still not OSHA compliant.

Picard: Okay, fine. (Yells out door) Warp whatever, head for the Borg!

Voice from the Bridge: Okay!

/

(Scene: Outer Space. The _Enterprise_ is next to a giant Borg cube.)

Picard (Talking to the cube): We're here to give you your court summons.

Borg: How come? We didn't do anything wrong.

Picard: A butter knife made by your company assimilated a whole planet.

Borg: Um… we can't take responsibility for anything that happens after it's been taken out of the box.

Picard: This happened when it was still in the store. The butter knife burst out of its packaging and slew the store manger. A day later, the planet was gone.

Borg: It was probably just a random malfunction.

Picard: The same thing happened to a claw arm owned by someone on this ship.

Borg: The warranty is void if the product is on outer space.

Picard: Our whole civilization is in outer space.

Borg: That isn't out fault.

Picard: Whatever… Also, you haven't been OSHA compliant.

Borg: What are we accused of doing?

Picard: Your products are assembled by the Borg.

Borg: We are Borg.

Picard: It's still against the law. And you have to appear in court the Tuesday after next.

Borg: We aren't scared! We have five hundred BORG LAWYERS.

Picard: Uh oh.

Borg: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

/

(Scene: A courtroom. It is mostly full of five hundred Borg lawyers. The remaining space is a jury of twelve really grumpy people and a table for the prosecuting attorney, who hasn't arrived yet. Picard has been drafted to be the bailiff, which he is ticked off about.)

Picard: Where's the prosecuting attorney? I'd like to get this over with.

Q (Popping out of thin air): I'm here!

Picard: Why are you here? I'm the bailiff; I think I can club you if you're not supposed to be here.

Q: I'm the prosecuting attorney. So you can't club me.

Picard: Why you?

Q: They can't intimidate me. I'm the only qualified lawyer ever to not be scared of the Borg.

Picard: Are you really qualified? I don't believe it.

Q: Oh YEAH? (A diploma appears in Q's hand. It says "Q is the best lawyer ever, signed Atticus Finch")

Picard: Atticus Finch doesn't even exist! He's a character in _To Kill a Mockingbird_!

Q: Shows how much you know.

(The trial starts. Everyone shuts up.)

Borg Lawyer #357: All of the instances of our products killing people happened when then the warranty was violated.

Q: The warranty is void if the product is in outer space. Our ENTIRE CIVILIZATION is in outer space.

Borg Lawyer #246: That's irrelevant.

Q: Oh yeah? Would you call THIS irrelevant? (Turns Borg Lawyer #246 into a glass of orange juice.) I want to call my first witness.

(Data suddenly appears in the witness stand. He is surprised and holding a wrench.

Data: Where am I?

Q: You're in court.

Data (Panicking): It was all Geordi's idea! I am innocent!

(Silence)

Q: Um… you're not on trial.

Data: Oh. Never mind.

Q: Well then, did you get a Borg claw arm recently?

Data: Yes, it was a gift from my mother.

Borg Lawyer #12: Objection!

Q: Shut up. (Turns Borg Lawyer #12 into a glass of orange juice. He turns back to Data.) What happened to the claw arm?

Data: It went crazy and tried to kill everyone. I ripped it off and Worf stomped it.

Q: Okay, I'm done. Any of you dorks want to cross-examine?

Borg Lawyer #446: Sure. (Walks up to Data) Did you violate the warranty?

Data: Yes, but-

Borg Lawyer #446 (Cutting him off): No further questions.

Data: Can I go now? Only I was helping Geordi fix the safety on his, er, toaster oven.

Q: Sure.

(Data disappears in a flash of light.)

Q (Turning to jury): So, do you need to confer or something?

Jury (Immediately and frantically): GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

Q: Ok, the Borg are fined fifty-three bazillion quadrillion zillion dollars for all the illegal junk you did.

Borg Lawyers (All of them, more or less): But there isn't that much money in the whole universe!

Q: Bailiff, club them please!

Picard: Finally! (Clubs all the Borg Lawyers.)

Q: About the money thing, well, you can all just go to another universe and get the money from there. (All the Borg disappear, presumably to another universe.)

(Everyone except Q and Picard applauds.)

Q: Hooray for me!

(Picard hits Q with the club.)

THE END


End file.
